A letter for my brother

First, I want to tell you that I love you.

There was a period in my adult life in which I dwelt on the loss of you. For some reason, I kept on thinking of you and then shed tears. I kept on praying why the painful memory of you had to recur. And I now realize that it was the Lord. He didn’t want us to forget that you came into our lives, and suddenly left. Mama had an ectopic pregnancy and you died. This was when events were too painful to bear, crippling us to an extent that we had not made an effort to recognize that a little boy came to our family. Thus, you were buried in our backyard, nameless and without a tombstone. Your memory could have been lost in the oblivion had it not for the Lord’s mercy. You had to be recognized. I don’t know why, but the Lord chose me. To become restless and dissatisfied, and to be haunted by dreams of you. I am still in the process of finding out why, but if the Lord wills it that I will leave this life not knowing, I am thankful to Him that you are being remembered today by your father, your mother and two sisters. You are being remembered and have been given a name. A candle is also being lit and placed on your tombstone, in our backyard, during All Soul’s Day.  Personally, I remember you, together with the unborn children, wanted and unwanted.

You could have been a grown man today. Twenty-something. And I’m sure you could have been as handsome as our Papa. You could have his light brown eyes, same as mine; or Mama and Ate’s dark, hazel ones. Your hair could have been dark and straight, like Mama’s; or Papa’s wavy, curly ones (when he was younger; today, he’s sporting a bald head). Oh my dearest, sweetest brother, I could have been your best friend. You could have told me your secret crushes and I could have told you mine. You could have coached me while I was playing softball in high school, and I could have tutored you on Math and English. Together with Papa, you could have warned me about the flippancy of some guys. Mama could have had a young and funny go-to guy. You could have been with me as we cheer for our eldest sister, and have seen her gracefully walk down the aisle and marry a good guy who is now her husband. You could have been a great uncle to our nieces and nephew. But my baby brother, I still envy you (in a positive way). You are there in heaven, beholding the face of our Lord. Please pray for us here on earth, that we will be receptive of the grace to yearn for heaven, and see our Lord face to face.

 I love you dear brother. And see you, at the time the Lord determines.


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