Emptying my cup

One day, tired and exhausted, I asked the Lord, how much further should I stoop, in obedience? I heard Him whisper, in my thoughts… As God made himself man, as God was nailed to the cross… I froze, and felt a sore sting in my heart. It hurt to realize the height of my pride. It wouldn’t hurt that much had I not built this vice over the years. I’ve often pondered on the dangers of self-sufficiency and independence. It’s hard to re-order my values and beliefs and rebuild a new foundation, a rightful foundation – the Lord. I was raised this way, I would stubbornly say this to the Lord. Will He forgive me for attempting to excuse myself? Will He understand my upbringing? My past?

However, with much introspection these past few months, I cannot further make lame excuses. Excuses only aid the strengthening of my pride, and has become a euphemism for denying the truth – that I am wrong – hence, there is a clear need to re-order my perspective – so that the grace of the Lord can flow, and that virtues may permeate in this frail mind and body, which have grown attached to worldly comforts and pleasures.  In short, I have to empty my cup with self-centered woes, and to become Christ-centered and more empathetic.

St. Josemaria Escriva told me one day, through his writings the danger of pride… Pride brings with it a whole string of vices: greed, self-indulgence, envy, injustice. The proud man is always vainly striving to dethrone God, who is merciful to all his creatures, so as to make room for himself and his ever cruel ways.(Friends of God)

And so the antidote is to forgive. The most loving thing to do is to be merciful, as the Lord is. To remember that the Lord has forgiven me first, for my repeated and ugly weaknesses. I have to accept that each of us are weak, and I cannot say that others’ weaknesses are uglier than mine. Because the truth is, the duty of judging others does not fall on my lot. It is the Lord’s. He is the rightful judge.  My duty, I firmly believe, is to love, as He had shown how.  On the Holy Cross.

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